My Inner Lioness

I must have been a lion in a past life. That is the only thing that can explain my issues. I am actually a little embarrassed to say this. I guess we can call this a little confession. I am having a hard time putting my finger on this one, so maybe announcing it publicly will help.

First let me start off by declaring my love for animals. I have always saved little dying birds, snakes, and other miscellaneous creatures you can find in the mountains of Montana. It always broke my heart to see deer, elk, and other game hanging up in our neighbours yards. Growing up I have saved animals from being tortured, killed for sport, and even convinced one of my exes to never hunt again (amazing since his whole family hunts, and has carcasses of all kinds of game decorating their houses). I was never able to go by the butcher store that I use to live right by without feeling a tug on my heart. I would actually drive the long way around if I saw a trailer unloading animals, because I knew I would get sick if I caught a glimpse of them, knowing today would be their last day.
A couple of years ago, I watched Food Inc, and got a huge eye opener on how the animals I was eating were being slaughtered, fed, and taken care of. I swore that I would not support the big companies, and went vegetarian until I could get food that wouldn't be supporting that yucky mess. I knew I could never go vegetarian for life, but I was willing to go further than most. I do however want my meat to not have suffered slowly, and painfully for my benefit. After tons of interviewing farmers, and learning all the slaughtering processes, I finally settled on a cow that was grass fed, cared for, roamed free on a ranch, and was slaughtered the most humane way possible. My cow did not see any other cows die, he was not stressed, and he felt nothing. I am very grateful for that cows life.
I am even a huge lover of Sea Shepherd, and all the work they do. I would even love to volunteer one day when my kids are older (yes I could go vegan if needed while there). I still feel the need to save animals. I took in 2 baby ducks last summer because their mom was ran over in the road. No one stopped, or slowed down! My duckies brothers, and sisters were lying there next to their mom. Worst day ever.  I could never hurt an animal myself (unless I was starving), and can't even put a bird out of its misery that my cat got, because I could never be the one to take a life (don't worry I ran the bird to my brother who sweetly took care of it for me). Needless to say I love animals. I do.
The issue? I love to eat animals. Not like regular people eat meat though. I mean I truly love to eat animals. Here is where my inner lioness comes in. I watch gazelles prancing on a wildlife shows, and get hungry. I am jealous of the predator that gets the weak one. I watched a giraffe being dissected for science, and I started smacking my lips. This is not a joke. I do this. I am sick, and twisted. It gets worse. As a child I would eat the softer bones of chicken (and other carcasses), and lick the blood that was left over on the plate. I wanted rare food, but it was not allowed. Now, I like my steaks barely seared. Just enough to pull a little more flavour out, and the middle raw. I was chopping up lamb the other day, and without thinking grabbed a chunk, and threw it in my mouth. The raw goodness was sooo amazing. I made tallow from the kidney fat of a cow, and declared it liquid gold. I like eating the hearts, and livers of animals. I look at dead deer on the side of the road, and wish I knew if it was a fresh hit, because boy I bet it would be yummy!

So I could not handle shooting a duck, or watching anyone hurt a duck, but if someone brought me a dead duck, I would get a little giddy. I could not hunt, nor date anyone that does, yet I wish a had a huge pile of venison in my freezer. I am corrupt. I openly admit it.

I remember at a party about 6 years ago, we were all talking about our greatest dying fears. Drowning, being burnt alive, and a few other ones were thrown out there. Then someone mentioned being eaten alive by some sort of animal. Everyone agreed that in some way, they have had this fear as well. I stood there feeling very awkward. Not only did I never have a small thought of fear of being eaten by an animal, but have had dreams of being an animal, and tearing my catch to shreds. I never shared it, because I didn't want to be looked at in horror, but it really made me realize how messed up I really am.

There is more, but that is all I am willing to admit about my inner beast for now.
My only conclusion is that I for sure was a lion in a past life. It is the only thing that explains it. That gives me the feeling that I still feel the need to be wild. The human part of me loves, and cares for animals. The human part wants no harm to come to them, and watch the beauty of wildlife. My inner lioness  wants to chase them, and eat them raw.